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Tag:steroids
Posted on: May 22, 2008 9:03 pm
 

BETTER ATHLETE? ROADRUNNER VS WILE E. COYOTE

This is my FIRST actual blog so if I do poorly at it, well just get over yourselves!! Now you may think that this isn't a sports issue, but I'm going to do my best to show otherwise. Here's a list of my reasons.

1) In my youth, this was definitely a regularly scheduled contest between two combatants EVERY Saturday morning. Always a match of raw talent(Roadrunner) vs tactical planning(Coyote). That fits my definition of a sporting contest.
2) This was a contest involving speed and nimbleness vs mastery of available support equipment and brute force.
3) As a youth, you never really knew if the coyote was going to be successful this time, hence there is drama and suspense while anticipating the outcome of each individual struggle.
4) There would be multiple momentum shifts each episode as the coyote would seem to be winning just before Roadrunner would find an escape. This could happen multiple times within a single episode, just like a Colts-Pats game or a NBA game.
5) At its core, this is basically just a footrace between two formidable adversaries.

OK, if we all agree that this is actually a real sporting event, then there are several complex issues we must examine. To me, we have the basic primordeal matchup, predator vs prey. Coyote has a basic need to find food in a desert environment where precious little food is to be found while Roadrunner has the strongest instinctual drive to survive and propagate the species(Strangely, as I kid I never really noticed that Mrs. Roadrunner was seldom seen. I do remember episode involving robotic, alluringly feminine roadrunners, blow up imitation roadrunner dolls, provocative pictures of roadrunners posted as bait to lure Roadrunner into a trap. Was there a marital aid store in the desert we wee unaware of? Did Coyote harbor some secret fetishes that we didn't understand as kids? I have no proof of these accusations, but as an adult looking back, you have to wonder. The contrast of styles makes it interesting too. We have the speed
of the Roadrunner vs. the cunning and mechanical mastery of the Coyote. So onto the comparison where some very suspicious issues spring up.

Roadrunner was exceedingly fast, so fast that he left a proverbial cloud of dust wherever he went(strangely, even on paved roads!) I remember Roadrunner once ran so fast that he ran across the span of a bridge that Coyote had cleverly blown up. Roadrunner was also able to run through stone walls, as in the episode where Coyote painted a scene of a tunnel on the wall and Roadrunner disappeared INTO the painting while Coyote still ran into the stone wall. Roadrunner could also stop instantly, often vibrating in one spot from the violent deceleration and then eating a whole bowl of ACME bird feed, sometimes laced with lead pellets, faster than Kobayashi gulps down hot dogs. As a child, I thought these were just God given talents, but given the state of modern sports, I now have to wonder if Performance Enhancing Drugs were involved. Was Roadrunner secretly ‘roiding up, ala Tim Montgomery to achieve his tremendous speeds? Did he owe his ability to run seemingly incredible distances and ridiculously long times to other steroids, ala Floyd Landis? Perhaps he was a Benzedrine abuser, you know, always in motion, nervously looking around when not running, the vibrating stops. Alas we’ll never knaw as Warner Brothers, like MLB, had no testing policies in place.

Then there’s suspicions about Coyote. He survived falls into deep ravines, being hit by vehicles, jet sledding into canyon walls, even explosions. Stranger than just surviving these was how fast he healed. Was McNamee giving him injections to speed his recovery? Even more bizarre is his relationship with ACME. Coyote had no visible signs of income(let’s face it. If he had money, he could have bought food instead of constantly endangering himself chasing Roadrunner. Perhaps it was ‘roid rage that caused him to keep up the chase.) yet he received an endless supply of mechanical apparatuses from ACME. And ACME’s name was always prominently displayed for optimal product endorsement value. Was Coyote secretly being given monetary aid to entice him to perform in the obscurity of the desert, ala Reggie Bush, O.J. Mayo, etc. These issues seemed to be nonexistent in the 70s when the media protected the athletes reputation, but look very suspicious now when looking back as an adult. If only Yosemite Sam would step up and publish a tell all book as Jose Canseco did. Too bad these contests didn’t take place in the state of Pennsylvania so Arlen Specter would form a subcommittee to investigate the cartoon cash cow conglomerates. So many suspicious circumstances and so little hard proof. Perhaps Oliver Stone can craft a movie looking inside the world of cartoons and reveals all its ugly sports. I remember watching a TV show in the 80s where a shadowy figure was shown in silhouette sobbing and speaking in an emotional, cracking voice that sounded suspiciously like Porky Pig saying “Cartoons aren’t real!! It’s all twick photography!” Was this a true confession or a tawdry expose’ piece. Please give me your views as to how best to resolve these unanswered sports scandals.
 
 
 
 
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com